I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
