I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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