What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
