You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
