Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
