Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
