I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
