I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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