I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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