the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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