After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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