just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
