You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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