The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
