3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
