At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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