i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
