My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
