Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
