dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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