ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
