After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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