So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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