i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
