i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
