The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
