I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
