1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize