Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
