ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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