I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
