Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
