So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They took my balls.
Of course I have a pirate flag
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
