WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
