i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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