ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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