I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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