is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
