Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
