Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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