At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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