Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
