Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
