So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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