The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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