I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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