8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
