Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
