Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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