yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You pole danced in your parka.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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