i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
