I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
