the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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